A turd of people

A murder of crows sounds like overkill: as a collective noun, “murder” seems more suited to a biker gang or a group of mafioso than to a bunch of birds who hang around and make a lot of noise (as a non-bird person I may be unaware of the more violent side of their character however). And an unkindness of ravens makes me think of snooty black birds that snub the B birds at tea parties, not gorgeously sleek creatures that have inspired numerous mythologies. I'm not too happy with a skulk of foxes either – “skulk” is a seedy descriptor that's better applied to flashers or shoplifters. A parliament of owls at first sounds like it's paying homage to that species' wisdom, but in Canada it's likely to cast owls in a derogatory light. And a charm of bees seems wrong too; based on the traumatic experience I had with stinging insects when I was young and my subsequent reactions around them, I would call it an apocalypse of bees. (I know I know, most bees are not confrontational and they're fabulous pollinators. They're still evil and out to get me.)

Someone once suggested “turd” as a collective noun for humans (I hope I wasn't the source of his inspiration). I wouldn't use such an unflattering term for humanity, but it's certainly applicable to certain subsets: that turd of students that lives across the street and parties from 4 p.m. on Friday until 2 p.m. on Sunday, for example. Or a turd of telemarketers. I've been trying to come up with a good collective noun for the rest of us (excluding the skulk of flashers and shoplifters) but it's too difficult to find a characteristic that unites us all. (Even something that I would think would apply to everyone, like a love of chocolate, turns out not to be true. That disrepute of chocolate deniers.)

Several days have passed since I wrote that last paragraph. After listening to too much news about coyote culls and The Congo I am reconsidering my previous stance regarding “a turd of people”. But I'm not including we bloggers in that group. We are... hmmm... a bedazzlement of bloggers? A pollyanna of bloggers? (I think it was Mrs. Slocombe who once used that word to describe us.) A wickedness of bloggers (in the best possible sense)?

One last note: I was at a Starbucks on the weekend. The staff were (or "was"? What sayest the freak of grammarians amongst us) preternaturally cheerful and when I gave them my name so they could inform me when my latté was ready, three of them gaily sang out "He-len". They can't be real. I dub them a Stepford Wifery of Starbuckers.