A honkin' non-honky fridge

Today I worked at home because I was having my new Darth Vader fridge delivered. I call it that because it's black, not because in a startling revelation it told me it's my father. When the delivery truck arrived and they brought out the box, I ran out.

-- Is that the right fridge? I demanded. The box was HUGE.

They checked their delivery slips while I checked the box for the model number. It was the correct fridge. Perhaps there was styrofoam in the box to protect the appliance? But nope, when they pulled the box off, it was all fridge.

I don't know what I was thinking. I have a small kitchen and I live alone. The fridge's manual states that three turkeys can be stored in the wide freezer bin. I'm thinking that's equivalent to 60 pounds of tofu, or 20 tubs of ice cream. Maybe I should adopt, except black fridges are like a forensic kit for fingerprints. A better plan, then, may be to take up hunting and store a moose in the freezer bin. Or I could be innovative and rent space in it to Queen's researchers for their specimens, except the manual sternly admonishes me that under no circumstances is the fridge to be used for storing scientific materials.

The manual also informs me that I basically have to place the fridge in the centre of the room to ensure there is enough airflow for it to operate efficiently, and helpfully explains that if there is a bad smell I should check for spoiled food, such as rotting moose meat caused by poor air circulation around the fridge which prevented the latter from functioning properly.

The fridge makes a statement, I must admit, and when you look at it you might conclude that whoever owns it is a chef. Then you would turn around and see my stove, which is the next size up from an easy bake oven. And it's white. And about 50 years old. I'm sure if an interior designer entered my kitchen he or she would immediately suffer appliance mismatch-induced apoplexy.

I set out to buy a sleek European-style fridge and I ended up with a Korean monolith (it's a Samsung). I'm still trying to figure out how that happened. But right now I have to go to Costco and buy several 50-pound jars of pickles, 40 pounds of tofu, 10 tubs of ice cream, and some sauce that goes well with rancid moose meat.