Bonobos

My coworker mm, who is the source of all facts fascinating, was telling me about bonobos the other day. Bonobos are as genetically similar to humans as chimpanzees are but as Frans de Waal states in this interview mm sent me, we tend to focus on the similarities between ourselves and the “violent, often brutal” chimpanzees and ignore the bonobos, who resolve conflicts with sex. We just seem to be more comfortable with violence than sex. This observation isn't likely to make any headlines, but it’s interesting to see the ways it manifests in our behaviour. My nephews have been raised in an environment where sexuality was and is openly discussed. (Which reminds me of a Kiernan story. Both Liam and Kiernan got into my Black Adder collection at a young age. When Kiernan was eight or nine years old his mother asked him what the book he was reading was about. “A fornicating baboon” he replied. It was probably a bonobo, but Rowan Atkinson isn't much of a primatologist.) So when we were watching A History of Violence I was bemused to see Liam hold a pillow up in front of Kiernan's face when there was some non-explicit oral sex on screen, yet make no effort to censor a subsequent rape scene.

We dress to kill, move in for the kill, are advised to kill an adjective if we spot one, kill time, kill two birds (one of which must never, never be an indigo bunting however) with one stone, kill the goose that laid the golden egg, kill the fatted calf, kill joy, kill Bill, kill others with kindness. And boy oh boy, if looks could kill... We’re even told to kill the buddha if we meet him on the path. Why not boink the buddha instead? It would probably have the same effect as killing him: it's almost impossible to deify a sexual partner since they inevitably do something ungodlike, like prance around in nothing but their socks. Even so-called expressions of affection – love someone to death, smother someone with kisses, be driven mad with desire – sound vaguely threatening.

No wonder we're more comfortable with violence. I'm not suggesting that we adopt the bonobo's custom of giving genital handshakes, since that would probably only be acceptable if accompanied by flowers and chocolate. But perhaps we can attempt to recreate ourselves, if only ever so slightly, in the bonobo's image. Start shedding that violent skin we feel so comfortable in. Make more love, less war.